"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
06/25/2020 at 12:17 • Filed to: satire, Taketheoutsideline
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"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
06/25/2020 at 12:17 • Filed to: satire, Taketheoutsideline | 21
| 19 |
In a move that shocked car enthusiasts and historians around the world, California Governor Gavin Newsom ordered the state’s entire collection of vehicles (or related images) from 1966 and prior to be removed from any public grounds, museums, or other displays. 1967 was symbolic for California and the nation as a whole, as it represented the year that then-Governor Ronald Reagan approved the formation of the California Air Resources Board (CARB) to help minimize air pollution from all sources.
“The time has come to erase the evil memories of these polluting machines from our public spaces,” Governor Newsom said from the front steps of an unnamed woman’s San Francisco townhome. “The divisiveness these vehicles have created is simply not worth the pain while so many enthusiast groups continue to glorify these vehicles beyond their deserved reputations.”
Referring to the long period of postwar vehicular expansion, often consider the “Golden Age of cars,” Governor Newsom’s orders struck at the heart of the world’s epicenter of car enthusiasts.
One of countless classic images to be banned from public spaces (Courtesy: Yosemite National Park)
Rodrigo Garcia, owner of a Fullerton-based car customization shop, was quick to criticize the move.
“The ‘50s and ‘60s can’t just be erased,” Mr. Garcia says. “These cars are part of who we are, an integrated part of our culture. Yes, they’re slower and more polluting than newer cars, but that doesn’t mean I hate my fellow citizens. I also don’t hate safety features. I drive my family around in a 2015 Honda Odyssey!” he added for emphasis. “This is about heritage, not haze!” Garcia concluded, citing the classic car movement’s smog-eschewing rallying cry.
The environmental activist group
Los Angeles County Concerned Citizens for Forcing a Better Future on Everyone
applauded the governor’s decision, reiterating on its website that it has not been responsible for a rash of recent vandalism of classic car displays around the Los Angeles metro area.
One of many recent acts of vandalism attributed to Antica.
Multiple incidents of arson and theft are still under investigation, with several law enforcement agencies linking the activities to the militant walking and unicyclist group Anti-Car, or
Antica
if you’re into that whole brevity thing.
As air quality has improved around the country and the world in recent years, many collectors have ironically doubled-down on love their heavy, slow, old, dangerous, and dirty vehicles.
“I know we all breathe the same air,” according to Mike Davis, organizer of Orange County Cars & Pepsi gathering. “But as a wealthy retiree, I don’t have much longer left, so I’m going to enjoy it!” Mr. Davis is the proud owner of seven classic vehicles with a total of one catalytic converter among them, which he plans to remove soon. He added “If you don’t like my cars’ exhaust, just don’t drive behind me.”
For his part, Governor Newsom is unfazed by critics. “This is a time for us all to unite behind a cleaner future, one where all memories of past developments, mistakes, infidelity, and inconsistencies can be completely ignored. We are all who we are today just because , and that’s that.”
The ban will not include private collections, according to attorneys for celebrity car enthusiast Jay Leno. Mr. Leno was admitted to Cedars Sinai hospital shortly after the announcement due to a minor heart attack, coincidentally sharing a room
with comedian
Jerry Seinfeld
who had been admitted just a few minutes prior.
For Sweden
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:28 |
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1967 is the year McDonnell bought Douglas.
These McDonnell fundamentalists must be stopped.
I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:28 |
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“This is about heritage, not haze!”
Did you write this whole eloquent shitpost just for this one line? Nice.
Just Jeepin'
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:28 |
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B rilliant as usual.
dogisbadob
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:30 |
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trolololol
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Ash78, voting early and often
> For Sweden
06/25/2020 at 12:32 |
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You can do your part by still referring to the Mad Dog as the DC-9. I know I do.
/dog whistle
Jim Spanfeller
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:34 |
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Does that include privately-owned museums? If so, how can that be? This is absurd and stupid. This Newsom guy is a jerk for forcing his moronic opinion on everybody else. These cars are a part of our history and shouldn’t be forgotten just like that! Besides, if the car is in a museum, doesn’t that mean it’s being used on the road less?
Edit: whoosh. Didn’t notice the “satire” bit... You got me, lol!
f86sabre
> For Sweden
06/25/2020 at 12:35 |
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McDonnell must be respected!
Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing.
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:35 |
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If I ever move back to California I want to buy a pre-1976 car and do some crazy engine swap as protest against CARB, maybe a W116 with a V12. It won’t be rolling coal or doing something annoying and antisocial, but just a poke in the eye of Big Brother. I’m still ticked at that agency for putting the kibosh on my plans to save and upgrade a sweet E12 530i with cats, even though the end result would have run cleaner and been MORE environmentally friendly than the stock version. Idiots.
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Ash78, voting early and often
> I like cars: Jim Spanfeller is one ugly motherfucker
06/25/2020 at 12:35 |
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THE HYDRAULICS WILL RISE AGAIN!
RallyWrench
> Just Jeepin'
06/25/2020 at 12:36 |
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Better be a pretty good room comedian to entertain those two.
Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:39 |
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I was deeply concerned for about half this article.
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Just Jeepin'
> RallyWrench
06/25/2020 at 12:41 |
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Fair warning: I streamlined my comment after he fixed the typo (“ grammo” ?) so your comment will perplex many.
WildlyMild
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 12:42 |
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Watching from the upper midwest i t’s like California is an experiment to see what laws and costs and ridiculous-ness is required to get everyone to leave.
Maxima Speed
> Jim Spanfeller
06/25/2020 at 13:03 |
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Ha ha ha haaa!!
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RallyWrench
> Just Jeepin'
06/25/2020 at 13:09 |
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Keep em’ guessing.
415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°)
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 13:22 |
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So it’s time to put the .50 mount in the truck I guess.... My 1950's classic can fight back! “Crazed veteran in some sort of old truck opposes new legislation”
Zaphod's Heart of Gold
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 14:17 |
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Read as a perfectly written Onion article. Bravo
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Ash78, voting early and often
> Just Jeepin'
06/25/2020 at 14:27 |
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Thanks for that catch...I do all of these bits solo, in between work tasks, so it’s easy to miss simple stuff.
Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'
> Ash78, voting early and often
06/25/2020 at 16:58 |
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Fuck dude. I got so angry,
and now I have no way of escaping this energy.
Great
job!